Nothing prepares you for the emotions, it’s not the same as a break up. We were/are married, although it’s only 3 months it doesn’t change the fact that we stood before the judge, God and a couple of witnesses that day who congratulated us on our new journey. Now here we are in and out of court and it’s only the beginning. I try not to dwell on the pain but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s there. My “best friend” and partner couldn’t accept my flaws and I could not endure his. It hurts. It hurts that I have to go through these memories that trigger so much pain. Flashbacks of good times immediately followed by the names you called me. The thought of having to sit in that stand facing you with both good and bad going through my head. Having to live with knowing you may face consequences I never wanted for you and caring but knowing that you don’t care about me like you vowed you would. You didn’t protect my heart! You destroyed it! Perhaps I hurt yours too and for that I’m sorry but I know I deserve(d) better. Yet I question my worth. Have I allowed so much damage to my heart that I’m worthless to the next man? Will I ever love, the right way, again? I know that I desire to but when will I really be ready? Crying out, Jesus take the wheel please don’t let me crash again.
(Written November 16, 2016)