It doesn’t mean anything any more.
This space these words occupy because it’s empty without your reading eyes to gaze upon it.
There’s no wonder left to fill my mind of you stumbling upon my raw thoughts here.

The book has closed with an open ending because I will never truly know what could’ve been.
Lost in grief I am.
If death wasn’t the outcome what would I be writing instead?
Would it be so hard to grasp not knowing?
I had slight hidden hope for what if tucked away in the back of my heart and mind and it never left.
Until now.

Shut the door, I tell myself because there’s no possibility beyond the grave. It is finished, stop looking for that glimmer of hope!

Why don’t you just focus on what’s in front of you, you fool!
Don’t you love that? ! Why isn’t that enough for you? !
You insist on rolling back the stone of the tomb to find what no longer lives and for what? !
For closure!?
You selfish fool!
Sacrifices, remember, we make sacrifices to save face!
Pat yourself on the back you withheld your true feelings to avoid playing yourself.
That’s how the game is played right! ?
While you were sacrificing the door closed permanently, that’s life so get over it.
Stop knocking you can’t get any more answers.
Just stop.

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Nothing I Can Do

I just don’t want you to be gone.
I could write a poem with many beautiful words all just to say simply that.
I don’t want you to be gone. Simple.
But I’m not God and there’s nothing I can do to bring you back! Nothing.

RIP
T.A.D
aka
That 1 True

I Don’t Care If You Didn’t Care

So, I went digging to see if there was any actual proof if you ever really cared back. I mean the texts you would send and things you would say to make things clear should be enough to say maybe you didn’t. But then a part of me felt different based on the strangeness of things. But anyway I don’t even care. You were a great guy from what I did get to know and other people knew you too and I’m sure if they could do something to grande in memory of you and for a good cause they would.

How do I connect to these people? Is this meant to come about?

Give it a little time, is what I’ve been advised.

RIP
T.A.D
aka
Mr. Saxophonist

Angels for My Angel

Sometimes I’m sent as an angel…

I still haven’t forgotten that text message you sent me and I still remember laying on the couch reading it with tears in my eyes confused. Every message (and later call) from you had strange yet perfect timing it seemed.

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But that’s not my point here so I’ll move on. So, today I thought what can I do to feel like I’ve done something to prevent your death from being in vain. Not that it was but I just want to DO SOMETHING, if I can’t bring you back there has to be something.

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I thought maybe I could start a nonprofit to raise money for research and treatment for those with the form of cancer you had. Like maybe the money could benefit the current patients and their families. From what I read the prognosis is poor but maybe it could be like the make a wish Foundation and help people scratch a couple things off their bucket list. Maybe it could support early screening for the sickle cell trait and on going screenings to be sure those at risk font develop the cancer (or help with early detection).

I thought of a non-conventional way to raise the money. I didn’t really get to meet your family (as an adult. ..I think your dad may have come on a field trip in elementary school but the memory is fuzzy) So I’m not sure if they’d give me permission. I know you grew up a church boy as I did a church girl and the idea isn’t really along those lines. I think this idea is more suited towards your wilder side but whose to say you’d approve yourself if you had a say in it.

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Any who, I thought hosting pole dancing shows. Not where they get completely naked but true professional polers you know the more gymnastic/acrobatic style yet still sensual. I’d have beautiful and talent women audition and the final girls would be “(Insert Your First Name)’s Angels”. The would just be one method but one of the main events to raise the money.

So, then the question would be how do I anonymously contact your family to ask their permission to get started? What if they get upset and say “no you heathen! “? But then what if they say OK?  Who would be in charge of disbursing the funds and who would be the board members (foundations usually have that right)? How would my current partner feel about me putting my energy into something for a guy I once cared deeply for who is now dead?

Well, hope your heart is healed as you helped to heal mine. I also hope for a sign on going through with this idea or not. I must admit there is a little selfishness behind it, I hope it will bring more fulfillment to my own life. It’s something I can be passionate about again without the fear of being hurt behind it.

RIP
T.A.D
aka
My Angel

I’m So Glad!

I’m so glad I met you!
I’m so glad I f****d up,
I mean I wish I hay gave you a chance when you first inquired about me,
But then again I’m glad I found out what I missed out on.
It all had a reason,
I am who I am now because of it.
I am happy with this wonderful man before me now because of you!
I was crazy back then (still kind of crazy now) when I was so difficult for fear of injuring my heart.
What I learned is that I wouldn’t get the man I wanted if I never took the risk of giving him a chance.
Thank God I met you and you made me pay for rejecting your advances.
Thank God I saw what an amazing guy you were too late.
I judged you too soon only to realize later you were what I had wanted.
So now I’m happy because I kept that in mind when I met him.
Though I can’t believe you’re gone I won’t forget you, you helped me heal.

There’s healing even in death.

RIP
T.A.D.
aka
Preacher

Morbid

For a second I imagined myself finding out where you’re buried and digging up the grave with my bare hands, as if somehow this would bring you back to life.
Then I imagined opening the casket and just laying there next to your lifeless body.
Why?
So that I know this is true this isn’t some sick joke but that you’re really dead.
And because I didn’t even get to show up at the wake during public viewing as the stranger in the back paying respect to a soul I didn’t get to fully know.
Or
Maybe I wish I had the power to bring you back.
You wouldn’t even have to come back and be mine but just come back and live for my own selfish reasons, my mind could be at ease.
But
Then if I did dig you up and lay there what if I got closed in and buried too.
I couldn’t do that, listen to me this is nonsense.
So
This is how I’ll start to say good bye because I wasn’t there to say it in time.

RIP

T. A. D.
aka
T-Rail