SEX Scars

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Just another scar on my back,
From yet another attack,
Robbed me of my plans,
To focus and make impact.
Suffering the consequences
Of succumbing your advances,
“Well you started strong”,
And had I kept quiet,
Stayed abreast of what I peeped,
I would’ve finished in the same manner.
But now I’m sitting here sulking in the results of being out of order.
Thinking you weren’t being judgemental,
But yes you were you judged that I was an easy target,
Even if the conversations were deep and true,
I was still deemed good enough to screw,
But my circumstances not good enough for you,
This is why I sometimes despise your kind,
Never fully thinking things through,
But who am I to fully blame you,
When I know that I was guilty too,
Should have told you to go,
But instead I let you stay,
After having claimed I wanted to do things the right way,
I set myself up for failure again
Thinking I could trust a “friend”,
I should know better by now when it comes to men,
They’re not all the same,
But they all are in the game,
For the same reason,
SEX,
Be careful girl don’t let it take you out of your season.

Confidence shot right back down to where it was when I started this process.

(Decided to add this song while I was driving to work today, it was on the radio. It’s not fully related but neither is Doctor Dolittle and it’s a part of the sound track lol. Any who, my mind went to this piece of writing when I was listening to the song so here it lies.)

Finally decided to remove the veil this was written about a month or so ago and the song was added 1-2 weeks after. I’m not fully healed but I didn’t cry while reading it. So, the time has come to share. Hope it was a good read!

Flash Forward: This is the story of a girl. ..

She has decided to say, “no more.”
No more will these men dictate her life. No more will their opinions and games keep her preoccupied. She wants to know what it is like to live for her. No longer does she NEED a man to define her. She NEEDS to take a new journey and discover the diamond she is meant to be.

“He will never see you as the diamond because he’s stuck seeing the rough, he’ll never value you as the diamond because he met you in the rough and couldn’t see beyond it. ” She thought to herself as she laid down to take a nap. Thinking she should return her ring.

“You’re only looking to be young again so bad! ” She agrees to his statement, he’s right, she’s getting back the years she wasted playing the “wife” role to those who hadn’t given her actual “wife” status. She doesn’t want that role anymore but rather she wants to enjoy the youth she has left and build her own image again. An image not blocked by living in the shadows of a man.

Though she loves him, she knows she cannot commit to him. She cannot commit to anyone. Though she can even admit she has some feelings towards the younger man as well, she will not be moved by him either. She won’t be moved until she’s ready. She won’t be moved until correct action on behalf of the one that chooses to pursue her properly say he’s worth that move. Until that day that somebody comes along, she’s focused on being satisfied with herself.

She’s a DIAMOND and you have to be GREAT to rock her! Because she shines bright on her own.

Crossroads

Love is a funny thing
They say there’s a difference between being “in love” and loving someone
Here I am in a pickle
I love a man who put a ring on my hand again but I’m in love with my dreams
And I don’t want to give up on them for the sake of love,
I’ve done that so many times that I became unsatisfied with my life,
And it’s not fair to have to make such a big decision right on the edge of it all.
I’m at the fork in the road.
One side is a promise of love and to give me the world if I trust this man and settle down,
The other side is a risk of losing the chance to ever encounter that again, along with no promise to succeed just chasing a few dreams and believing success is possible.
One side offers trust and stability,
The other requires faith and hard work.
One side offers companionship and a 2 parent home for my kids,
The other may require a lot of lonely nights and stepping in to be both mommy and daddy still.
So, I’m praying, God why do I have to choose? !?

I could REALLY use a good honest friend right now, that’s as real as it gets.

I only need you for your kisses

I only need you for your occasional kisses,
I got the rest covered.
My kids/family give me LOVE,
The real thing.
My job gives me money,
My faith gives me hope,
My dreams give me vision,
My God gives me direction.
My passions create paths,
My self confidence gives me validation.

You,
Well,
You give me pleasure,
When I chose to indulge.

Want to give me more?
Show me!
And I’ll let you know IF I decide I’ll allow you to.

Ms. ME

This Is The Story of A Girl…

She spent her whole life valuing herself based on what a man thinks of her.
Even as a little girl without asking they shared their superficial opinions. Oh, you’re such a pretty little girl with all that pretty hair.

Her father taught her much about men and their opinions as well. He did so to protect her but he didn’t realize he was feeding into her “I only matter if men see me a certain way mindset. ” She wishes she had let those great books he’d read to her on business and other things sink in more than the talks about “boys” and “purity”. She missed the days that playing basketball in the backyard with the “wild neighborhood” boys was still okay and innocent in her parents’ eyes.

So, then she wrote papers and made decrees to save herself for a deserving man one day. Thinking that was the right thing to do; it was but the reasoning was so wrong behind it. She wanted to stay pure so men would want her and see her as different, again thinking that their opinions defined her. So she tamed the wild spirit she felt within. She made acceptable decisions when picking a career because it was what she liked but more importantly what men would be willing to accept. After all her major goal in life was to be married.

She was only 19 and the girl had it going on doing good things. But she wasn’t doing great things because her mind was trapped on a one track setting. Do good,  be good,  make God happy,  be married.

So to be married she had to date, right. She had a good job, she was paying her own way through school and she was preparing to buy a house. Now all she needed was a man. So she thought but her parents flipped and said dating is something she was too young for.

So she did so defiantly on the low. Until the “man” she was seeing no longer wanted to play hide the boyfriend because he was far from high school age. He also made the mistake and told her something that she made the mistake of believing, “as long as you’re dad’s around and/or you live with him,  you’ll never get married. ” He didn’t know how much power was in his tongue that day. She didn’t know how weak her mind had become from this idea that a man HAD to define her worth.

To be continued. …