SEX Scars

image

Just another scar on my back,
From yet another attack,
Robbed me of my plans,
To focus and make impact.
Suffering the consequences
Of succumbing your advances,
“Well you started strong”,
And had I kept quiet,
Stayed abreast of what I peeped,
I would’ve finished in the same manner.
But now I’m sitting here sulking in the results of being out of order.
Thinking you weren’t being judgemental,
But yes you were you judged that I was an easy target,
Even if the conversations were deep and true,
I was still deemed good enough to screw,
But my circumstances not good enough for you,
This is why I sometimes despise your kind,
Never fully thinking things through,
But who am I to fully blame you,
When I know that I was guilty too,
Should have told you to go,
But instead I let you stay,
After having claimed I wanted to do things the right way,
I set myself up for failure again
Thinking I could trust a “friend”,
I should know better by now when it comes to men,
They’re not all the same,
But they all are in the game,
For the same reason,
SEX,
Be careful girl don’t let it take you out of your season.

Confidence shot right back down to where it was when I started this process.

(Decided to add this song while I was driving to work today, it was on the radio. It’s not fully related but neither is Doctor Dolittle and it’s a part of the sound track lol. Any who, my mind went to this piece of writing when I was listening to the song so here it lies.)

Finally decided to remove the veil this was written about a month or so ago and the song was added 1-2 weeks after. I’m not fully healed but I didn’t cry while reading it. So, the time has come to share. Hope it was a good read!

Afternoons on the back deck when I was 12 were the best. I’d grab a good book lay back on the cushioned bench and read until I fell asleep under the warm fall sun. That’s what tonight’s air reminds me of as I look out at the street lights and houses. Though the sound of birds flying by isn’t here, the sound of cars driving by and crickets is some how just as soothing. 

It’s a brief escape to dream again.

Flash Forward: This is the story of a girl. ..

She has decided to say, “no more.”
No more will these men dictate her life. No more will their opinions and games keep her preoccupied. She wants to know what it is like to live for her. No longer does she NEED a man to define her. She NEEDS to take a new journey and discover the diamond she is meant to be.

“He will never see you as the diamond because he’s stuck seeing the rough, he’ll never value you as the diamond because he met you in the rough and couldn’t see beyond it. ” She thought to herself as she laid down to take a nap. Thinking she should return her ring.

“You’re only looking to be young again so bad! ” She agrees to his statement, he’s right, she’s getting back the years she wasted playing the “wife” role to those who hadn’t given her actual “wife” status. She doesn’t want that role anymore but rather she wants to enjoy the youth she has left and build her own image again. An image not blocked by living in the shadows of a man.

Though she loves him, she knows she cannot commit to him. She cannot commit to anyone. Though she can even admit she has some feelings towards the younger man as well, she will not be moved by him either. She won’t be moved until she’s ready. She won’t be moved until correct action on behalf of the one that chooses to pursue her properly say he’s worth that move. Until that day that somebody comes along, she’s focused on being satisfied with herself.

She’s a DIAMOND and you have to be GREAT to rock her! Because she shines bright on her own.

Song added 9-12-16

Crossroads

Love is a funny thing
They say there’s a difference between being “in love” and loving someone
Here I am in a pickle
I love a man who put a ring on my hand again but I’m in love with my dreams
And I don’t want to give up on them for the sake of love,
I’ve done that so many times that I became unsatisfied with my life,
And it’s not fair to have to make such a big decision right on the edge of it all.
I’m at the fork in the road.
One side is a promise of love and to give me the world if I trust this man and settle down,
The other side is a risk of losing the chance to ever encounter that again, along with no promise to succeed just chasing a few dreams and believing success is possible.
One side offers trust and stability,
The other requires faith and hard work.
One side offers companionship and a 2 parent home for my kids,
The other may require a lot of lonely nights and stepping in to be both mommy and daddy still.
So, I’m praying, God why do I have to choose? !?

I could REALLY use a good honest friend right now, that’s as real as it gets.